Christmas can be a stressful time of year, whether we admit this to ourselves or not. We are all guilty to some degree of placing too much importance on the perfect Christmas. As adults we are all trying to recreate that magic feeling we experienced as children, the excitement, wonder and suspense of what Father Christmas will bring this year. As a parent of two young children, I know how my perception of Christmas has changed since having children. Now for the first time since childhood I am feeling that buzz of excitement, looking forward to putting the children to bed on Christmas Eve, seeing their faces on Christmas morning as they open their presents. I also know that with this, comes the pressure of trying to fit it all in within a working week, ensuring I have ordered the right presents, food for Christmas day, then spending hours peeling sprouts, preparing the Christmas lunch, all the while trying to enjoy the day, until I finally collapse at 7pm on the sofa to watch Downton Abbey. However, for separated parents there is the added strain of trying to meet the needs of both parents, the children, extended family and new family relations as well as everything else that comes with Christmas preparations. This is especially the case when parents find it painful and hard to speak with one another. We all want to spend that special time with the children, but trying to negotiate around each parents ideals and commitments can be sometimes too difficult to face. So we put off making those difficult arrangements, hoping that things will just sort themselves out that somehow and things will just fall into place. Unfortunately, from experience, if you leave the arrangements to the last minute, this does not happen as hoped. Instead it leads to panic, upset anger and disappointment. Christmas all about the children, so it is important for children to enjoy time with both parents and extended family during the Christmas period. So starting those plans now will help to make those arrangement for the children run smoothly. With some understanding and compromise, arrangements can work, children will know when they are spending time with which parents and can look forward to enjoying Christmas with both families without feeling that they are the ones in the middle. So don't put it off until the week before Christmas, open the discussions now, here are my top ten tips of getting through Christmas and making child arrangements:
- Depending on how you communicate with the other parent (as sometimes a face to face discussion is not always possible) think about the tone you use when you make that first approach. Try and keep the discussion light and focused on the children. Try and make it clear that it is important for the children to spend time with you both, but acknowledge that you will both have family commitments and how you would like to work around those to ensure you are both able to spend the special days with the children and other family members.
- It is important that the children know that you and the other parents are making the decisions together. That you both will ensure they spend time with you over Christmas. By all means listen to what the children have to say, but don't try and influence their decision on your own agenda and don't let the children think they have the last word. The responsibility for making decisions about what arrangements need to be made, are those of the parents.
- Before you start to discuss the arrangements, make a list of the days when you have made commitments, think about how important those commitments are to you, and put them in an order of priority and ask the other parent to do the same.
- Think about the logistics of the arrangements, who will collect the children and who will return them and at what times? If you are reliant on public transport, can a family member help with arrangements as depending on the day, transport may not be available. What if it's a white Christmas, how will the arrangements change?
- Accept that you will both have to make compromises, if you have always had Christmas Lunch at a certain time, could you be flexible with the time? Could pushing the Christmas Lunch on a few hours mean the other parent could spend on Christmas morning with the children with a special breakfast and then see the other parent later in the afternoon?
- You may want to consider one parent spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with the children and the other Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day. Then alternate the arrangement each year. This arrangement works well for both parents as it means both parents get to spend Christmas with the Children. However, remember there are no hard and fast rules about child arrangements and finding an agreement that meets your individual circumstances is what is best for your family arrangements.
- If you and the other parent are able to spend time in one another's company, could the parent who is not seeing the child on Christmas morning, call into see the children to give them their presents?
- If one parent is unable to see the children on Christmas Day, then think about other means of communication, could the parent call the Children before bed on Christmas Eve, and if so what time, so that the children know the other parent will be calling. Try and pick a time when the children will be not too distracted and tired, so that the call can be beneficial for both child and parent. If you have Skype, you could consider a more interactive communication. This could also work well on Christmas morning as the children would be excited to show the other parent the gifts that they have received.
- Once you have reached an agreement on the arrangements for the children, consider making a Christmas Diary for you and the children. That way everyone knows how the arrangements will work and the children know when they will be spending time with the other parent and extended family.
- If you are struggling to find common ground and reach an agreement, then it maybe that you need a little help you reach a workable agreement. As we know Christmas comes around all too fast, so make the steps now to get some legal advice on how best to proceed with the arrangements. If the arrangements are well thought out and you are both focused on ensuring that the children get to spend good quality time over Christmas the arrangements can continue to work year on year.
I hope my advice has been helpful and I wish you all the very best and hope you have a wonderful Christmas and very happy New Year. Alison Gaddes Solicitor [email protected]
